Image from buffykeiju

 

“My skull is full of sunken ships,
My heart’s a prisoner to my ribs,
We’re flesh & bone when we’re all alone,
But together, forever, we’ll live” ~ Dead Man’s Bones ~

 

My Life is changing.

For good or for bad – it is what it is. And within this change one of the questions I’ve been asking myself is: ‘Do I want to keep doing this?’

- this thing that keeps me up til ridiculous hours of the morning often leaving me sleep deprived;
- this thing that sometimes takes over every thought I have in a given day;
- this thing that brings me great joy and fills my soul til my heart sings;
- this thing that makes me want to pull my hair out and stab myself in the eyes;

This thing called writing.

The whispers of my heart and soul answer: ‘Yes.’
But my actions, say: ‘No.’ as I sit paralysed at the key board, looking at the cursor that blinks in my word document calling at me: ‘Write something, goddam it – anything.’

Write a blog.

That didn’t happen – I wanted to write something and pay my respects to much loved Australian speculative fiction author and friend, Paul Haines since his passing on March 5th 2012. 

Nothing. No words could express how I feel.

Paul Haines knows all about change. He wrote his heart out and detailed his journey here What would Paul say to me if he were here right now? But he is here and I’ve been asking him all week and I have his answer.

So in lieu of my words and love for Paul, he knows what they are, here are some links from Alan Baxter and Jason Nahrung  who express my feelings for Paul Haines better than I could ever write at this time. And here is a wonderful link courtesy of Alan Baxter and Thirteen O’clock outlining all of Paul’s incredible talent with his brilliant contribution to the writing industry.  

So instead of writing anything of substance my fingers danced stupidly on the keyboard with light and fluffy facebook updates – which is about all I could and can still manage. My heart is in brain freeze and I haven’t even eaten ice-cream.

So, maybe this writing gig is not for me? Maybe I don’t have what it takes to write through pain, to stay focussed on my dreams and passion amidst upheaval and change?

I got sick of not knowing my answer and decided to say ‘fuck ‘ it all – I’m having a Ryan Gosling weekend. He’s hot, he’s intelligent, he’s a musician, a brilliant actor and an all time nice guy – and one day I will marry him

So here I am, with a supply of Ryan Gosling DVD’s wrapped up with my beautiful grrrl, Mitzi,  a box of tissues (coz Ryan is in more sad, but profoundly beautiful movies, than happy ones) a little bit of chocolate and lots of caffeine. This will solve my problem. Hibernate and see if after my slightly obsessive fix with Ryan will cure me.

The result:

I got slightly more obsessed with Ryan and googled his band ‘Dead Man’s Bones’

What did I find? A gem of inspiration in the most unlikely of places.

My obsession with Ryan was a calling for much more than the superficial intention of getting out of my own head, because I discovered something in his music. Something deeply profound, dark and beautiful, unleashing something powerful within me.

I still haven’t written a sentence on my novel, still at the midway point with the flashing cursor, but I’m considering my characters and thinking: if my life is changing then so is theirs. My characters don’t know it yet, but they’re in for one hell of a bumpy ride and who knows what gems, hopes or new directions will turn up for them and the author simultaneously. That idea of changing and reshaping their original journey I mapped out for them is getting me excited again. I might just have something…a smidgeon of hope is on the horizon…

So in conclusion:

The answer to my original question: ‘Do I want to keep doing this?’

This thing called writing…

Absolutely!

I’m breathing again. I’m walking in the sunshine again, and giving myself permission to write through the darkness and write whatever the fuck I want.

Here are just some of the lyrics from ‘Dead Man’s Bones’ that are speaking rather loudly to me at the moment and there’s plenty more of this kind of stuff from this very cool, dark and quirky band.

You’d look nice in a grave.
I smile at the moon; death is on my face
And if you wait too long,
Then you’ll never see the dawn again

“My skull is full of sunken ships,
My heart’s a prisoner to my ribs,
We’re flesh & bone when we’re all alone,
But together, forever, we’ll live”

There’s gold in my heart,
But the winds took my sails through the dark,
And if you wait too long,
then you’ll never see the dawn again.

“He filled my heart, I did my best.
But without the sun, I’m only shadows in a dress.
‘Cause if the full moon comes, our love is done,
So forever, towards dark, we rise”

After reading the lyrics, have a listen – the piano combined with the lyrics and the raw energy of Ryan’s vocals are what brings it all together for me.

I dig music – my world depends on it, and storytelling through music is the ultimate, which might be why I love the visual medium of film so much, especially if it has a soundtrack to die for.

To Ryan Gosling:

I thank you for yet another gem of inspiration in the most unlikely of places ♥

To my friends and family:

We all deal with pain and change in our own unique individual ways and clearly mine is through film and music, but it’s also through the hand of friendship which has been extended to me from far and wide and for that – my gratitude is immense. ♥ Thank you beautiful people – you know who you are ♥

Do you have those writing/artistic paralysis moments when everything around you seems wrong and out of sync with the world?

I hope dear reader you get something out of this post and I’d love to hear what inspires you, and pushes you through extra-ordinary circumstances?

‘Knowledge is a lock and its key is the question.‘ ~ Imam Jafar Al-Sadiq
‘Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.’ ~ John Lennon

Midnight rambler embracing change with an open heart and baby steps ♥

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